Across The Universe
by ZephyrCJW
Summary: The Enterprise's mission ends and Trip and T'Pol have decisions to make.


These characters are not mine and the usual disclaimers apply.   
  
"Across the Universe"  
  
Commander Tucker   
Personal Log  
Star date 459687  
  
We are on our way home after 5 years. Tomorrow we dock at Vulcan as our last official planetary visit, then back to earth. I've just finished my shift, now I'm lying here thinking of what it is I really want to say. I will remember the things we have seen, the mistakes and triumphs we experienced, but most of all the relationships we forged.  
  
What do I really want to say? I've never been a man who kept his opinions to himself. If I thought something, inevitably I would blurt it out. These last few years have been different. There is something I do want to say but for once Trip Tucker has lost his courage. I'm talking now, and as I listen to my voice, I realize that what I do want to say will only hurt all the harder. Why does it still seem funny for a man to be concerned with his feelings, even after all these years of supposed equality between the sexes?   
  
Tonight they had a party for T'Pol. She leaves us in the morning. She will be the first of the crew to go. I watched her face all evening when she wasn't looking. She was imperturbable as always. I was both angry and sad. After all these years among humans, one would think the logical thing to do was for her to at least grant us a trace of emotion at a time like this. Something to let us know that she came to understand us at last, valued our comradeship, and will miss us when she is gone.  
  
Now as I sit here, I realize that my anger is displaced. She proved her loyalty and affection to all of us many times over by her deeds. Does she really need to express it in words? Talk is cheap. How many times have people told me something when later their actions betrayed every word? Too many times...so why am I angry? Why am I sad?  
  
I love her. I am in love with her. God, I'm choking up even as I say this. I can't concentrate on anything else now. If only we had another mission, something to forget myself in. Early on, I thought of this mission as an adventure and a chance to prove myself ready for own command. I couldn't give a damn now for any of that. All I can think of is what is impossible: a life with her. Five years ago I only wanted her to leave the ship as soon as possible so Jon and I and the rest of the crew could get out in space and be free from her meddling influence and Vulcan logic. And now? Now I think I could give up Star Fleet and my career if only we could find some corner of the universe to call our own. Some corner where Human and Vulcan mean less than what a man and a woman are capable of creating when together. There's the buzzer...time to log off.  
  
"Enter."  
  
T'Pol stood at the door, calm and inscrutable as usual.   
  
Trip caught his breath. He felt guilty, as if T'Pol somehow knew what he was thinking and was here to explain to him all the impossibilities of what he desired. He didn't want to talk to her. In fact, her had avoided her as much as possible during the party and was relieved when she left punctually to resume her shift on the bridge. Trip felt his anger building again. Even if he hadn't said anything all these years, couldn't she tell how he felt? Weren't Vulcans supposed to have at least some psychic abilities? Why couldn't she leave him alone to deal with his feelings?  
  
"So, T'Pol...what brings you here so late?"   
  
"I was wondering if perhaps you would care to have tea with me in my quarters?"   
  
Trip froze. He studied her face a moment, noting her voice had dropped into that husky range that had long ago signaled to him she was troubled by something.   
  
"I don't know...it's late ya know, T'Pol...I, well, I was trying to catch up on my log and then I need to get some serious bunk time."  
  
"I understand, Commander. It has been a long day for all of us. There is something however, I wished to give to you." Her gaze dropped to a package in her hands.  
  
Trip suddenly felt a wave of self-hatred. This was the woman he was just telling himself he loved, and now he was giving her a brush-off because he lacked the courage to deal with his feelings.  
  
"Perhaps sometime tomorrow morning before I leave? In the meantime Commander, good night." She turned to leave.  
  
Trip jumped up hastily from his bunk. "T'Pol, wait!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I...well, it's like this. I do want to talk to you...only I just didn't...well, damn...what I mean to say is that it's hard for me to think of you really leaving tomorrow and it made me want to put off saying goodbye. Do you understand?" Trip felt his face redden, hoping that she did understand and wasn't repelled by his obvious emotion.  
  
It was like she suspected already, T'Pol thought. As soon as word came through that Enterprise was heading home. His irritability, his distance was not from sudden lack of affection for her. He had to sort through his emotions as best he knew how and she knew it couldn't be easy around him.   
  
"Commander, I do understand. I believe all the crew is facing such difficulties. It is only logical that all will have some difficulty adjusting when it is time to leave this ship. We have been through so much together."  
  
Trip sighed, wondering how she herself was handling the impending separation. He knew she would miss them all as much as she could allow herself, but would she miss him most of all? Had she caught that unmistakable attraction that bonded the two of them over the past years so much until even the crew made surreptitious jokes and comments about it?  
  
"Well then, grab a seat. And what's this about something to give me? On Earth the tradition is to give the person leaving a going away gift. I feel kinda bad, since I don't have anything for you."  
  
"On Vulcan, it is the tradition for those leaving to bestow upon friends and family members certain things that have meaning for the giver."  
  
T'Pol sat at the desk, directly facing Trip. He sat down on his bunk. She held the small package out to him. Trip took it wordlessly, struggling to say something to break the tension he felt growing within himself.   
  
"Ya know T'Pol, this is quite a surprise. Not that I don't appreciate it or anything but sometimes even after all these years, you can find ways of saying and doing things that really surprise me. So what's in here?"  
  
T'Pol allowed her expression to soften into the Vulcan equivalent of a smile. "I believe the traditional human response would be to say, 'Go ahead, open it up.'"  
  
Trip ripped away the paper to reveal a small, shiny box. Upon opening it, he saw a silver medallion with an unusual, though strikingly handsome design engraved on its surface.  
He fingered the cool metal as he looked at her with questioning eyes.  
  
"It's an IDIC medallion, from Vulcan. I asked my family to send it to me as a gift for you. It is one of the few personal adornments Vulcans wear. It represents infinite diversity within the universe and reminds the wearer that no matter what knowledge he or she possesses, there is always so much more to learn. It is often given to mark certain rites of passage, such as graduations, leave taking and...T'Pol's voice grew husky again as she hesitated then completed her sentence," Weddings."  
  
Trip blushed again as he heard her finish. Weddings...God, was she thinking of that, even as he had? It couldn't be possible...it was the leave taking she meant it for. He felt sweat break out on his brow as his breath quickened. He forced himself to smile brightly at her.  
  
"T'Pol, this is quite an honor, ya know? It's very beautiful and an honor to receive it from you." Trip took the medallion and placed it over his head so that it lay against his chest. He smiled back at her again, hoping he was somehow able to convey just how touched he was without embarrassing her.  
  
An awkward silence ensued. T'Pol made a sound as if clearing her throat, then spoke again so softly that Trip had to strain a little to hear.  
  
"Commander...it is time I should leave. It has been a long day and you were going to sleep."  
  
They rose simultaneously, so quickly that both were taken back by the other's action.  
  
"T'Pol, wait!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Like I said before, on Earth it is the custom to present the one leaving with a gift."  
  
"Commander, you just said there was nothing for you to give."  
  
Trip smiled sheepishly. He felt himself trembling a little and inwardly cursed his nervousness. Hell, there was nothing to lose now by cowardice. What did it matter if he told her everything he wanted to say? The worst that could happen was already happening. She was leaving. Wasn't it better to admit how he felt, to at least go on with his life without regrets?  
  
"Well, T'Pol, I haven't anything to give you like you have given me. Not in that tangible sense, but perhaps...well...tangible in it's own right. Ya see...what I mean to say is that what I have to give is an expression of myself. Something I've held back for so long...something I want to say to you."  
  
T'Pol turned away abruptly, facing the door. Trip moved in closer, trying to maintain eye contact as much as it challenged his courage.  
  
"Commander...I believe I know what you are going to say and if I am correct, it is best left unsaid for it can do neither of us any good."   
  
She knew. With that realization, Trip felt suddenly felt stronger. He wasn't going to let her slip away like this. He didn't believe that it would be wrong to acknowledge what was between them. They both needed to have at least the memory of that final communication.   
  
"T'Pol, if you know what I am going to say then let me hear you say it."  
  
"What would you have me say, Trip? It is no good. We have said our goodbyes, as friends should. Now it is time for me to leave."  
  
Trip was startled by her use of his nickname. In five years the word had never left her lips. Now it had. Now that she was leaving. He felt angry again. He slid in front of her, blocking access to the door.  
  
"Not yet, T'Pol!" Not until I've finished what I have to say!   
  
Damn, why did he have to get angry to say what he needed to this woman? If she were anyone else he would take her in his arms and kiss her so hard and long that words would be superfluous.   
  
"T'Pol...these past five years have been an amazing experience. I've forged so many new friendships on this ship. But nothing and no one has come to mean as much to me as you. What we've lived, what we've learned, all of it's been together. And now, I can't see you walk away like this without telling you just how I feel. I love you, T'Pol, it's as simple as that."  
  
T'Pol's eyes narrowed. Why couldn't he leave it all alone? Why did he have to say it? She had thought long and hard of him these past few days, about how she wanted to tell him just what he had come to mean to her. That IDIC he wore now...couldn't he see that as the best part of herself she had to give? The only part of herself she could give, considering her Vulcan heritage and her people's customs? She felt her own anger rising and wanted only to run back to her cabin, to seek solace in meditation.  
  
"Trip...it is not as simple as that. And now that you've said it, what would you have me say in return?"   
  
"Tell me what you feel!   
  
Silence again filled the cabin. They stared hard at each other, as they had so often in the past when conflicts rose between them. She gave in first, speaking in a faltering voice that betrayed her own tightly controlled emotions.  
  
"I do...care for you, Trip. You have and always will be my friend. Now we must live with that and see to our futures."  
  
"No, that won't do, T'Pol! I'm not talking friendship here and neither are you. If you can't say the word 'love' then give me the Vulcan equivalent!"  
  
"There is none." With that curt reply T'Pol left, the door closing behind her with a final whoosh.  
  
Trip's shoulders sagged. His anger dissipated into weariness. He stepped away from the door, not bothering to watch as she strode from his cabin. His eyes grew wet. He cursed angrily as he ran his forearm across his face. It was over. She had come to him to tell him all she could, to give him what she could. He had pushed her too far, made her hurt and filled her with anger. Good job, Tucker, he thought. Way to go. The only woman you've loved for so many years just walked out of your life and the last thing she'll remember about you is what an ass you are.  
  
He fell asleep towards morning and woke to Captain Archer's rather irritated voice, reminding him that they had a meeting for which he was already fifteen minutes late. He dressed hurriedly without bothering to shave.   
  
"Ah, there you are, Trip. Hope I'm not keeping you up!"  
  
"Sorry, Cap'n. Had trouble sleeping last night."  
  
Archer took in his unkempt appearance. It looked like Trip went on a bender last night, he surmised. He had been acting strange as of late. He wondered how Trip was taking T'Pol's departure. Though Trip had never approached him about what he might be feeling, Archer had long suspected that his affection for T'Pol was in danger of moving beyond friendship. He had grieved for his friend, knowing that for those two there existed little future, at least on their home planets.   
  
"Trip...anything going on you'd like to talk about?"  
  
Trip shook his head wearily. "I'm more interested in coffee."  
  
"Ah, understood. Help yourself."  
  
Trip's hand shook as he poured the coffee. Skipping the cream he usually heavily laced it with, he gulped it down while waiting for Archer to explain just what in the hell he was doing here so early in the morning.  
  
"Trip, sorry to have had you up so early but we'll be at Vulcan soon and there's something I want to discuss with you."  
  
Trip nodded sourly, finding it hard to interest himself in anything, just now. He wished he could tell Archer what he was feeling. It was useless, though. Like T'Pol had said, now they had to live their lives and look to the future. Trouble was, he didn't give a damn about the future now.  
  
"Trip, you and I haven't discussed what your plans are after we get home. You know, talk is Enterprise will be retrofitted for new missions and the old crew will be given their choice whether to stay on or request a new assignment."  
  
So that's what it was. Archer wanted to know his plans. Long ago he would have said honestly that he hoped for a command himself. Now he didn't care. He only wanted to be out in space again, on a new mission. Somewhere he could forget himself and concentrate on the task at hand. Signing on as Enterprise's Chief Engineering Officer suited him fine.  
  
"My plans? Sign me up, Jon. I want to stay right here and get back into deep space. The deeper the better."   
  
Archer caught the bitterness in Trip's voice. Something happened last night. Could he have met with T'Pol? Had they at last discussed the inevitable? From Trip's sudden lack of ambition and his obvious despair, they had. Archer was relieved, despite his friend's pain. Now it was time to let Trip know something he had thought of these last days. Something that now he knew just what had happened, might offer some hope to both Trip and T'Pol.  
  
"Trip...there's something else I want to talk to you about. Of course you know I would be pleased to have you serve with me again. No man likes his best friend to leave him. But there's another opportunity I think you should consider. A command of your own. Not an Enterprise class, but a new class with a new type of mission."  
  
Though somewhat curious, Trip was in no mood to hear it. He felt hollow. He had lost his sense of direction and along with that, his desire to have his own command. It would be better to serve, to follow orders without thought and be alone in his cabin at the end of the day without having to worry about others.  
  
"Ya know, Jon, if you'd told me that a while back I would've jumped at the chance. I don't want it now. I want to stay here. Can we call this quits now? My head is throbbing."  
  
Archer sighed audibly. Trip could be so stubborn.   
  
"Not yet, Trip. I want you to hear me out. This ship is being fitted out now in San Francisco. She's called the Zephyr. First of her kind. You remember all the new worlds we've seen. Remember how we often felt frustrated, sometimes making contact with a civilization only to have to leave so soon without fully exploring the planet and it's culture?"  
  
Trip sat silently, waiting for Archer to finish.  
  
"Listen to me, Trip. Star Fleet is interested in you and your potential for command. They asked me for my opinion and I told them you would be perfect. You see this ship will do just what I've said. It will explore in depth what we could only see so briefly. It will be crewed with the best scientists; social, analytical, physical, engineering, you name it! It's purpose is to catalog everything we've just skimmed over the past five years. It's an important mission, Trip, and not only does it need a special crew, it will need a special man in command. One thing, though. It's at least a ten-year mission. Star Fleet is encouraging couples on board and a diversity among the crew to ensure things don't get stale. As a bonus, you would have final approval on every crew member."  
  
Trip stared dully at Archer. He tried to understand just what the Captain was getting at. Why the emphasis on the length of the mission? And the mention of couples? It did sound interesting, though. There were times he felt sad to leave a world they had just begun to learn about. Suddenly a train of thought took over...not only was this a mission with a dedicated sense of purpose, it also offered a chance to get away and make a new start for himself. T'Pol! Wait...wouldn't it be good for her as well? She didn't want to go back to Vulcan, he could tell. Even if they couldn't be together the way he wanted, couldn't they at least be together again, working in that same way they did so well? And wait.... why couldn't they be together? They would be away from a mostly human crew, and away from Vulcan and its demanding social structure. Star Fleet was encouraging couples. She could be by his side on that ship...they could explore the universe together and make a home for themselves in space where they could be free to forget all boundaries.  
  
Trip's eyes widened in excitement. Archer almost laughed at the sudden change in his expression. He had been right after all, to pursue this option for Trip.   
  
"Jon, we need to talk about this again, but there's something I've got to do and now, before it's too late!"  
  
Trip raced hurriedly down the corridor until he stood breathless in front of T'Pol's cabin. He pressed the buzzer and waited for her voice.  
  
"Enter."  
  
He stepped inside; words ready to spill out in a tangle. He stopped cold as he saw her packing. She moved efficiently, folding each garment in regulation fashion without even looking up to see him.  
  
"T'Pol..."   
  
She raised her head, looking back over her shoulder at him. She felt exasperated. What more was there to say? Why could humans never learn to leave well enough alone?  
  
"Stop for a moment, I've got to tell you something very important."  
  
She moved the suitcase aside and sat wearily on the bed. She had meditated all night and although Vulcans could do days without sleep, she had just passed a third night without it.   
  
Trip gathered himself and started slowly. He began to tell her about the Zephyr and its mission. Caught up in the excitement of it all, his eyes shone as he explained the mission's dedication to exploration and diversity.  
  
T'Pol listened in a daze. She had long ago thought that Star Fleet needed more ships with an emphasis on in-depth exploration and had imagined how it might be to participate in such a mission. Now it was here. An opportunity to join something she could really feel a part of but most of all...could it really be possible...a chance to be with Trip again and perhaps experience what they had denied themselves for so long?  
  
Trip finished at last. He had said it all. Would she take this chance with him? He sat down alongside her, waiting for her response.  
  
T'Pol was beyond words. For the first time in her life, she could think of nothing to say. She felt so much. Emotions washed over her in waves. Fear, uncertainty, hope, excitement, it was all too much. She struggled for control. Trip felt his heart break a little as he watched her struggle. Someday he hoped to bring her pleasure in the wake of all the other tumultuous emotions he seemed to cause her to feel. He reached out slowly, gently caressing her cheek.  
  
"T'Pol, are there only arranged marriages on Vulcan? Doesn't it ever happen that two people choose their own path together?"  
  
She closed her eyes suddenly, blinking back tears. Her voice was stronger than she felt, giving her the courage to continue.  
  
"Yes Trip, it does happen, if somewhat rarely."  
  
"What would a Vulcan male say to logically persuade a woman to become his wife?"  
  
"I don't really know. No one was able to logically persuade me before. What would a human male say?"  
  
Trip smiled and took her hand. "You might not think it so logical but he would say something to the effect that he loved her very much and that together, the world would be so much better forever and always."  
  
"Forever and always...they are beautiful words, if not so logical... Trip, if this is what you want, then there is no place I could think of that I would rather be than by your side, exploring the universe together."  
  
Again their silence filled the air but this time they were at peace. They were beyond words just now and each instinctively knew this. After a moment, Trip stood and pulled her to him. T'Pol laid her face against his chest as he embraced her. There was so much to learn, she thought...so much to learn about him and the universe...yes, so much to learn but now there was all the time in the world.  
  
"Trip? I deceived you a moment ago. There is a Vulcan word for love."  
  
He smiled at her in response. "Would you teach it to me someday?"  
  
A small smile crossed her lips. "No Trip, I won't teach you, because I think it is better to show you just exactly what it means..."  
  
In a moment the cabin lights were out and as she came to him in the darkness, Trip was certain that never again could anything move him more than this.  
  
  
  
The End 


End file.
